I hung out in Ben’s room tonight for a few hours, and as I walked up the stairs to my upstairs bedroom, a conversation we had had over a year ago made me smile. I’d go to visit him probably every other weekend, and the other weekends he’d be home and we’d spend those together too. I’d be packing up my stuff Sunday night (usually much later than i had planned) and we’d say: “Isn’t it going to be great when we live together and you can just be like, ‘See ya!’ and go up to your room?” “Yeah, and I won’t have to drive all the way home!”

~~~

As I plodded up the stairs, not only did I smile, thinking ‘Yeah, this is great, past selves’ but then I had a bit of a stomach churn. This time with my friends, my roommates, the people who have become my little family isn’t going to last forever. Already I can feel the day we part ways breathing down my neck.

~~~

I thrive off of my relationships, and I hope that these friends will stay close. I know some of us may move on to bigger and better towns, jobs hopefully, and start new lives. Does it make me weak to want to be a part of that? To keep this family a family for the rest of our lives? I don’t want to lose these people like I’ve lost other friends. These friends are different. I wish my DeKalb family all the success in the world, and at the same time, I silently pray that their futures include me, and mine them.

~~~

A new school year starts soon. New classes, the impending doom of having to face REALLY looking into grad school. Maybe I’m holding off because I don’t want more change. Change is constant and a big bear in my life. But I’ve survived it, and life has moved on. This time, though, I’ve got some things I refuse to lose. Perhaps I am more co-dependent than I lead on…

~~~

I wonder if everyone feels the same intensity that I do, about making a strong effort to stay together in some way. Or will I be left reminiscing by myself? Only time can tell, and like all things, it too shall pass, and we’ll just have to wait and see and in the mean time, overstay our welcomes on each others beds late into the night.

       Before I came to DeKalb to continue my education, a friend of mine had told me about how when you live here, away from family, the people here, i.e. your friends, become your little family. He told me about the friendships he had made, and how closely he felt to those friends, even after a short few months. I struggled to understand, knowing how many years I had known him, and was convinced that no friendship could blossom so quickly.

       I know now that it is true. I met a new friend back in the beginning of October, and he’s become one of my closest friends. My roommates have become my brothers and sisters. My fellow Psychology, Spanish, and FCNS students have become my partners in crime.

       When you live on a college campus, you get sucked into a bubble. The outside world seems muted behind a film of study parties, late night walks home from the bar, arms linked with your roommate, heels clicking and clopping beneath your giggles, early mornings and late nights complaining about group projects and exams, movie nights in, lazy afternoons in front of the TV, sharing reasons why it’s awful to have made a rump imprint in the couch cushions because of all the work you’re putting off, and sharing pots of coffee when you’ve finally gotten around to the piles of assignments.

     It’s about grocery shopping together; it’s about late night walks talking about life; it’s about scrambling to gather up bill money; it’s about leaving notes for each other on the kitchen counter asking for someone to buy milk or expressing support for each other when you have a big test or a rough week; it’s about 3am ‘meetings’, sitting in the kitchen talking about the past, the future, the present; it’s about making sure you know where each other are late at night; it’s about car shuffles; it’s about high fiving each other when you get an A (or even a C when you expected an F); it’s about resetting the modum; it’s about growing up and learning about who you are and what matters in this new independence and simultaneous dependency; it’s about your new friends family not replacing your biological family, but becoming an extension of your heart, and what makes this rough college life much more worthwhile. 

I guess I was more prepared than I thought. I pretty much nailed my presentation, with only one moment of “Oh gosh, I know this!” followed by my professor encouraging, “No! Keep going! You are doing so well!”

Perhaps is was the rando mini pep talk from Ms. Scully in the hall before class, perhaps it was not wanting to disappoint my fellow Club de Quatro members (<3 Davey, JoGo, & Amberley <3), perhaps it was the Tootsie Roll I was given by a fellow classmate that I gobbled up in my FABFOing (FABFO = a phrase my mother created, which I’ll explain in an upcoming post), or maybe, just maybe, I actually worked hard, practiced and needed to prove to myself that I, yes I, succeeded in Spanish (for once). 

Let the drinking begin. 

All I want to do is watch Scream 4 and be a blob.

So I moved to the dining room table to join my roommates for a massive study/homework party in the living room and dining room. 

My TV was all like: 

Now, I sit here at my laptop all pouty.

I made a pretty big decision this weekend about my future. 

To begin, NIU has two tracks in their counseling master’s program: Clinical Mental Health and School Counseling. I elected to be a part of the School Counseling program. I wrote in my letter of intent when I applied for the program: 

I am interested in earning a Master’s of Science in Education in Counseling. There are four general reasons why I want to pursue this degree and become a school counselor, which also implement my goals regarding my future as a counselor.

The first is based on my major in psychology and minor in family and child studies. I feel they are a perfect juxtaposition for supporting my graduate studies and hopeful career in school counseling. I feel that what I have learned and my personal interest have prepared me for further study and working with children and students. My own experiences with school counselors have been both effective and ineffective at times, motivating me to want to improve the qualities I found lacking and embrace and build upon those that were helpful to me as a student.

The second reason I want to get into this counseling program is because I feel that children are in school for a very significant amount of time throughout their lives. School faculties are like a group of second parents, raising and teaching children on a daily basis. There needs to be someone, if not more than one person, who is there for students in times of need. Where home life and parents lack, schools need to exceed. Each and every school, I feel, needs to have an educated and determined counselor (or group of counselors) in their staff who knows how to facilitate a safe haven, a place of encouragement and understanding. This directly relates to my desire to be that person. I also know that school counseling positions often deal with academic advising as well. It is my goal to be the person in a school that knows the importance of talking with students about their futures and help to guide them in the right direction. 

The last reason I would like to get involved in this program is because I have an interest in bullying and school violence. I would like to bring this interest and passion into schools, to work with students who are the aggressors, who are the victims, and who are likely to be either. I want to focus on both individuals and overall school environments to promote non violence and communication. I would love to organize school pacts, workshops, and programs that bring attention to bullying and school violence and hopefully prevent it from happening or accelerating. One of my goals is to be available to travel to schools to lecture on the importance of effective strategies to raise awareness, prevent, and react to bullying and school violence. I also would like to be directly involved with students when there is violent crisis, like a shooting, to assure they are getting the help that they need and to work towards understanding how and why it occurred. 

As my first semester began, my brain started churning, rolling around the idea of doing work outside of the school system. I loved my first classes, which were all general and classes both school and clinical students take. I particularly felt passionate about my group counseling class. I least liked my career counseling class. I learned of the importance of career advising in the latter, but felt it wasn’t something I would want to spend much time on in my own career. 

So, my second semester just began, and this weekend I attended my first class focused on strictly school counseling: CAHC 523 School Counseling:Programs, Issues and Practices. Prior to the 8 hours class, we were instructed to read the first two chapters of the book and do a sort of online scavenger hunt to several important and official websites pertaining to the school counseling profession. I found the reading a bit frustrating, and the web searched somewhat uninteresting. The twinge returned. The questioning grew. Does this really sound like what I want to do? 

Do not misunderstand; I was, and still am, 100% sure I wanted to be a counselor. I loved the program and, as I’ve expressed to fellow students, teachers, and classes, this is exactly where I belong, I am home among these people. However, imagining myself immersed in the material and topics presented in this first assignment was unsettling. 

Regardless, I went to class prepared, enthusiastic, and ready to learn. As class went on, I felt myself becoming even more uneasy. One thing Dr. Tollerud emphasized was the role of a school counselor. In my own words, she said the role of a school counselor is to enhance the learning process, to improve the ability of the student to succeed in school. School counselors focus on three domains: career, academic, and socio-emotional. The ‘new vision’ for school counselors lie in the following: leadership, advocacy and systematic change, teaming and collaboration, counseling and coordination, and assessment and use of data. The text book, under ‘counseling and coordination’ mentioned ‘brief counseling’. That unnerved me. Dr. Tollerud also said (as I poorly quote), “If you’re sitting there thinking, Oh, but the mental health aspects! Spending three hours talking through a problem… et cetera… you need to come talk to me.” I was sitting there shouting that in my head. I was wondering where on earth I’d find the time to really spend with these kids, working through their problems, helping them to discover happiness and healthy thinking. 

I stayed after class and spoke with Dr. T about my concerns. I told her about my interests, additionally those of suicide, depression, and self harm that I didn’t mention in my letter of intent, but have made known in my classes and to others. She told me that, for example, if I had a student come to me feeling suicidal, I would keep them with me, talk to them a little until I could get them in a safe place, either with parents, or in a hospital, and then the student would be treated somewhere else or by someone else. My only contact really with them after the fact would be to monitor them, and be there in the school to keep an eye on them. That is not at all what I imagined my future as a school counselor would be. She also told me that I’d probably get one or two students a year who I could really get down to the nitty-gritty with. I would be able to run groups (if funding and my school allowed), present to classes on things like body image, the importance of good study skills, etc. However, the one-on-one time would be mostly academic planning, assuring they were able to graduate, participate in classes, have the resources to succeed, and the like. 

While I find these and other tasks of a school counselor important, and still strongly support what I said in my letter, I don’t think that being a school counselor would allow me to do what I really want to do. I can still work with adolescents and teens, I can still be a beacon of hope, I can still study school violence and bullying, I can still come in as a guest speaker to speak with students, I can still be a pillar of strength and place a refuge for those whose parents are not as prevalent in their lives. I can just do it outside of the school. Furthermore, I can also spread my wings to young adults and adults alike. I can run even more diverse groups. I can work with families and couples. I could have my own practice! I could work among other professionals and not be bound by the constraints of the school system. I can see clients weekly, or less, or more, based on their needs and the schedule we decide, not based on the fact that I have hundred of other students to attend to. Did you know that while the recommended student to school counselor ratio is 250:1, the actual average ratio currently in Illinois is 667:1??? Two hundred and fifty ‘clients’? Recommended? Six hundred and sixty seven!? That is not at all the future I want.

I commend those who do, and again, even now more than ever, respect the role of a school counselor. However, it is not for me. 

So, 523 has been dropped, and 784 (Theoretical Foundations of Family Therapy) has been added. To school counselors, perhaps I have gone to the dark side, but hey, they we have cookies. (And by cookies, I mean a more satisfying and happy future for this lady.)