I’m not a stupid person, but sometimes I just don’t get it. Maybe I’m naive because I make positive assumptions or don’t present myself in the way I intend. Maybe I’ve finally annoyed the shit out of my company and they’re sick and tired of me. Either way, I find situtations and conversations getting away from me. They suddenly ignite and in a matter of minutes, I’m standing alone, feverishly trying to unscramble my brain. I think about what I must have done, what I must not have done, and begin a fine tooth comb search over the conversation and then neurotically over the entire past however many years.

I know I am sensitive, over sensative, if I am being fair to anyone. I also know, though, how people should and should not be treated. I know that behind every word something is driving it. It might not be a trusted something, or even something we care to admit we ever let drive, but sometimes that something, it’s pushing words out that are coming across as slaps and stings.

I will over appologize for anything I’ve done wrong. I need to know what that is first. I also need some clarification, and some honesty about why this continues to happen. I HATE these small wildfires. For me, they rot relationships. They place me on the fence of crying because I’m hurt and on the other side growling in rage. And just because I cry easily at movies and what have you, doesn’t mean the tears I cry any other time are less meaningful or aren’t heavy with care. And just because I’m angry doesn’t mean I’m attacking. It means I’m angry because of what happened and what continues to happen. It means I’m hurt.

I want to resolve things, and not just put out one fire, but look back at all the ash piles and figure out what the hell is going on. I want to fix things that matter to me. This matters to me, a whole heck of a lot. Maybe it’s changed on the other end. If that’s true, I need to know. Some things can’t be fixed. If it’s not worth the trouble to compromise and work on preventing fires, I need to know.

Life isn’t about me accomodating for everyone. Yet I feel like I do. Like I’m bending, because other aren’t willing to. That the only reason things difuse or work is because I roll with the punches, I patch the holes when a leak springs, and I plan my route accordingly to coincide with others’. We are who we are, and people have to accept that. But we can still hold true to who we are and at the same time, be willing to accommodate to some degree, right?

I don’t want this ship to sink or rot.

I feel like in a matter of time, we’re going to go our own ways. And basically, it’s coming across like you can’t wait for it to happen, and I’m dreading it. That I’m eager to make sure whatever life brings us, we’ll still be tight. It comes across like you are eager to replace this in between life and in between people with the life and people you wish it was and wish we were. That might not be the truth, but that’s certainly how it seems.

I don’t know how to end this. So I just will.

I made a pretty big decision this weekend about my future. 

To begin, NIU has two tracks in their counseling master’s program: Clinical Mental Health and School Counseling. I elected to be a part of the School Counseling program. I wrote in my letter of intent when I applied for the program: 

I am interested in earning a Master’s of Science in Education in Counseling. There are four general reasons why I want to pursue this degree and become a school counselor, which also implement my goals regarding my future as a counselor.

The first is based on my major in psychology and minor in family and child studies. I feel they are a perfect juxtaposition for supporting my graduate studies and hopeful career in school counseling. I feel that what I have learned and my personal interest have prepared me for further study and working with children and students. My own experiences with school counselors have been both effective and ineffective at times, motivating me to want to improve the qualities I found lacking and embrace and build upon those that were helpful to me as a student.

The second reason I want to get into this counseling program is because I feel that children are in school for a very significant amount of time throughout their lives. School faculties are like a group of second parents, raising and teaching children on a daily basis. There needs to be someone, if not more than one person, who is there for students in times of need. Where home life and parents lack, schools need to exceed. Each and every school, I feel, needs to have an educated and determined counselor (or group of counselors) in their staff who knows how to facilitate a safe haven, a place of encouragement and understanding. This directly relates to my desire to be that person. I also know that school counseling positions often deal with academic advising as well. It is my goal to be the person in a school that knows the importance of talking with students about their futures and help to guide them in the right direction. 

The last reason I would like to get involved in this program is because I have an interest in bullying and school violence. I would like to bring this interest and passion into schools, to work with students who are the aggressors, who are the victims, and who are likely to be either. I want to focus on both individuals and overall school environments to promote non violence and communication. I would love to organize school pacts, workshops, and programs that bring attention to bullying and school violence and hopefully prevent it from happening or accelerating. One of my goals is to be available to travel to schools to lecture on the importance of effective strategies to raise awareness, prevent, and react to bullying and school violence. I also would like to be directly involved with students when there is violent crisis, like a shooting, to assure they are getting the help that they need and to work towards understanding how and why it occurred. 

As my first semester began, my brain started churning, rolling around the idea of doing work outside of the school system. I loved my first classes, which were all general and classes both school and clinical students take. I particularly felt passionate about my group counseling class. I least liked my career counseling class. I learned of the importance of career advising in the latter, but felt it wasn’t something I would want to spend much time on in my own career. 

So, my second semester just began, and this weekend I attended my first class focused on strictly school counseling: CAHC 523 School Counseling:Programs, Issues and Practices. Prior to the 8 hours class, we were instructed to read the first two chapters of the book and do a sort of online scavenger hunt to several important and official websites pertaining to the school counseling profession. I found the reading a bit frustrating, and the web searched somewhat uninteresting. The twinge returned. The questioning grew. Does this really sound like what I want to do? 

Do not misunderstand; I was, and still am, 100% sure I wanted to be a counselor. I loved the program and, as I’ve expressed to fellow students, teachers, and classes, this is exactly where I belong, I am home among these people. However, imagining myself immersed in the material and topics presented in this first assignment was unsettling. 

Regardless, I went to class prepared, enthusiastic, and ready to learn. As class went on, I felt myself becoming even more uneasy. One thing Dr. Tollerud emphasized was the role of a school counselor. In my own words, she said the role of a school counselor is to enhance the learning process, to improve the ability of the student to succeed in school. School counselors focus on three domains: career, academic, and socio-emotional. The ‘new vision’ for school counselors lie in the following: leadership, advocacy and systematic change, teaming and collaboration, counseling and coordination, and assessment and use of data. The text book, under ‘counseling and coordination’ mentioned ‘brief counseling’. That unnerved me. Dr. Tollerud also said (as I poorly quote), “If you’re sitting there thinking, Oh, but the mental health aspects! Spending three hours talking through a problem… et cetera… you need to come talk to me.” I was sitting there shouting that in my head. I was wondering where on earth I’d find the time to really spend with these kids, working through their problems, helping them to discover happiness and healthy thinking. 

I stayed after class and spoke with Dr. T about my concerns. I told her about my interests, additionally those of suicide, depression, and self harm that I didn’t mention in my letter of intent, but have made known in my classes and to others. She told me that, for example, if I had a student come to me feeling suicidal, I would keep them with me, talk to them a little until I could get them in a safe place, either with parents, or in a hospital, and then the student would be treated somewhere else or by someone else. My only contact really with them after the fact would be to monitor them, and be there in the school to keep an eye on them. That is not at all what I imagined my future as a school counselor would be. She also told me that I’d probably get one or two students a year who I could really get down to the nitty-gritty with. I would be able to run groups (if funding and my school allowed), present to classes on things like body image, the importance of good study skills, etc. However, the one-on-one time would be mostly academic planning, assuring they were able to graduate, participate in classes, have the resources to succeed, and the like. 

While I find these and other tasks of a school counselor important, and still strongly support what I said in my letter, I don’t think that being a school counselor would allow me to do what I really want to do. I can still work with adolescents and teens, I can still be a beacon of hope, I can still study school violence and bullying, I can still come in as a guest speaker to speak with students, I can still be a pillar of strength and place a refuge for those whose parents are not as prevalent in their lives. I can just do it outside of the school. Furthermore, I can also spread my wings to young adults and adults alike. I can run even more diverse groups. I can work with families and couples. I could have my own practice! I could work among other professionals and not be bound by the constraints of the school system. I can see clients weekly, or less, or more, based on their needs and the schedule we decide, not based on the fact that I have hundred of other students to attend to. Did you know that while the recommended student to school counselor ratio is 250:1, the actual average ratio currently in Illinois is 667:1??? Two hundred and fifty ‘clients’? Recommended? Six hundred and sixty seven!? That is not at all the future I want.

I commend those who do, and again, even now more than ever, respect the role of a school counselor. However, it is not for me. 

So, 523 has been dropped, and 784 (Theoretical Foundations of Family Therapy) has been added. To school counselors, perhaps I have gone to the dark side, but hey, they we have cookies. (And by cookies, I mean a more satisfying and happy future for this lady.)